Yaay for having our technical glitches seemingly fixed. I’d hate to have you, constant reader, left out in the cold. I know I couldn’t go for another week or so (I have no work ethic when it comes to posting here it would seem.) without knowing what I hated after all. Now indulge me for a moment while I post a line of random words. We get some odd hits about gayness and religion (which Jay blames on me) so I’d like to see if I can stir the pot a little.
Plastic Hitler Mexican Gundam Boobs NAMBLA.
Thank you, and now on with our show.
Between dodging acid from an exploded still in chemistry class and not infecting myself with the E. Coli we are currently growing in Microbiology, I’ve actually had some time to sneak in some quality gaming. Since we have committed to doing at least one review here, I figure I might as well get out of it as soon as possible so I can go back to showing people my meatspin on Xbox live. God bless the camera. And honestly, wouldn’t you rather just see someone’s dick than deal with yet another racist twelve year old on Halo? I know our getting to know us bit isn’t up yet, and we were going to post that so you knew a bit about where we were coming from, but doing things you promised is for assholes and people trying to impress Jesus. It’s coming, trust me.
On a lark, I picked up Earth Defense Force 2017. It’s from Japan, and thats enough for some of you Nihon types to run out and pick it up. You’d pick up the Interactive NAMBLA Guide to Playground Anal if it came packaged as a dating sim and would agonize over choosing the Roofie Ice Cream Cone for little Jermey or just Use:Taser on his sweet sweet ass. (Zzzzap!) All SimNAMBLA foolishness aside, its not a bad little game about running around very destructible cityscapes and shooting high powered weapons at giant ants, spiders, robots or flying saucers. It’s broken into bite sized mission chunks, weighs in at a little over 50 somewhat similar missions, and kept me entertained over the eight or so hours it took me to beat it on normal mode. There are a buttload of different weapons to get throughout the game, and new weapons on each of the games six difficulties, so if your the collector type, you can get your OCD itched. It is a stupid simple third person action game, and I’ll be damned if I still don’t love me games like that. I havn’t had the chance to test out the multiplayer because my brother is an asshole and hasn’t been by lately, and the game dosn’t sport any sort of live play, which bites the buttered bismark. Not that I play games with random assholes on live, so it really dosn’t matter. If I had a nickel for every person on my friends list, i’d have seven cents after all. But for a $40 asking price, a straight on blow-everyone-in-sight-to-hell game is right up my alley. I’d say this is definitely a buy.
I also picked up the 360 version of Command and Conquer 3. I have had a vendetta against EA ever since I bought a copy of Battlefield: Vietnam, I think they still owe me $50 for that game. If given the choice between working the glory hole at a New Jersey truckstop or playing some more Battlefield, I’d ask for a bottle of mouthwash. At least with the gloryhole there would be a chance of my earning a little tip money. So it was with a little trepidation that I picked up a $60 EA game. I don’t know about you, oh faithful reader, but I still ice my nuts when I pay the extra $10 on a 360 game. I know, all those in game ads and micropayments dont pay for themselves (?), and without more money,Gabe Newell can’t afford the golden African spatulas he prefers to use when Half Life fanboys slather his inner thighs with mayo. So I guess the joke is on me, once again EA raped me for money. At least with C&C3, I got a reasonably enjoyable game.
Its weird playing an RTS on a console. When I first picked up the controller, its like getting a left handed handjob from your sister. Sure its awkward, but once you get into the flow of things, you adjust to the weird grip, and you get over your initial disgust, you realize things could be way worse. I’ve only played through the campaign so far, because I don’t yet know anyone else with the game and I’m a misanthrope when it comes to playing with strangers over Xbox live. The cutscenes are pure C&C gold, all done up in high definition with whatever actors had nothing in particular to do the day EA was filming. I have no idea what the plot GDI side is, because every time Jennifer Morrison comes on the screen, all i can think about is lobbing a meat missile in the direction of her talkhole. It’s like its 1984 and I’ve got an ICBM aimed right at Mother Russia. Maybe I should take some boner poison before I play…
I’ve enjoyed the C&C games to date, and this one hasn’t dissapointed me in that aspect. If I had a working gaming PC right now, I probably would have opted for that route, but the 360 version is no slouch either. There is part of me that hopes a balance patch will be issued later, because from what I’ve played so far, if you get a handful of railgun enhanced Mammoth Tanks out when playing GDI, it is pretty much genocide. I’m no game balance expert, and if it feels cheap to me it probably is. If you’re into the online multiplayer, or your like me and get lots of enjoyment out of skirmish modes in RTS games, this is a good solid buy. For the rest of you, rent it for a week and storm you way through the single player campaign.
Thats all from this front in the war, it’s that time of the evening when I go make love to the DS until I fall asleep. Lunar Knights has been highly entertaining so far, and should I actually get around to beating it, I’ll probably throw a blurb on here. I know how handy it is for the internet at large to get reviews months after a game is released, after all. But hey, this many NAMBLA references in one review post is worth the wait.
