Jay and I have been sorting shit out, this little rantspace kinda got kicked to the wayside. That happens, yaknow. Fear not constant reader, we are working on a reboot of the site, maybe adding a few more people to write. A few have expressed interest, which is weird.

For now, Massively Gay Jay and I are going to do some IRL hobknobbing. Probably decide whats going up where then, what color to paint shit, where wordpress needs it’s nuts kicked in, that sort of thing. Might even show him my favorite bar. So by popular demand (and by popular demand, I mean three people requesting), this turdball will be rolling once again, blowing the minds of all six of our readers.

Its what Jesus would do after all.

Jay has been off gaying it up, I believe getting a Denny’s kids placemat tatooed on his back so whoever is sodomizing him at the moment can lead the pirate through the maze; he is a thoughtful individual and doesn’t want whatever member of the hair bear bunch that is currently using his prostate as a phallic landing pad to get bored.

Grandpa always said open with a gay joke. He’s a wise man.

I’ve had finals and haven’t been around as much, as is the usual drill when the academic powers that be put me through the quarterly torture test. I really got to start having sex with my professors or something; it seems like for some of them I’m capable of doing nothing but B work. Normally I’d be happy with a B, but being a student nurse makes things a little more competative… the bit you get told about there not being enough nurses to fill job openings is very true; what you don’t get told when your talking to your advisor and are forced to find out from other jaded students is that there isn’t any lack of prospective nurses. Colleges are turning away perfectly qualified students (GPAs ranging in the 3.5 range) because no one is teaching. My school admits something like 20 students a year, a figure thats somewhere around 5% of the total applicants. One girl I talked to got turned away because her essay didn’t exude enough “compassion”. What the fuck? I can understand not getting into a school program because you, say, failed anatomy or murder children, but when your being denied admission to a school because you didn’t flagellate yourself enough for the greater good is one of the bigger bullshit things I’ve encountered in my life. Doesn’t it say something about your compassionate character that your even choosing a career that involves scraping the shit out of peoples asses? Man, if I was a rich white C student, I could be the fucking President of the United Sates. Maybe I could go into politics instead, I’d be dealing with as much shit and disease, but at least I could rob old people of their pensions and no one would care, because white collar crime is hardly criminal in the US.

Yeah, I’m a little jaded about my educational status and have been trying to figure out alternate degree paths in case I can’t get into school anytime soon. Law school here I come!

I know this has little to do with videogames and more to do with me decompressing post finals. Its not like we’re scholarly journalists or anything, just a couple of opinionated assholes who can only update this page when we are bothered. Go us. I’ve been playing a couple of new (to me) things lately, and was totally horrified at Shadowrun; Not so much because it’s a bastardization of a pen and paper game I love (that I can live with if the game is fun), but because it hints at some really cool game mechanics and then totally screws the pooch when it comes to putting any actual game in there. I figured if the game sold well, we could see at least an action-rpg style Shadowrun game sometime in the future, something closer to the feel of the game. Given the overall shitfest that the SR game turned into, I wouldn’t be suprised if Microsoft poisoned the well for future games in the universe. Ah well, I guess there is always the haloes.

Next time, constant reader, I may talk about videogames. Or I may just make six paragraphs of dick jokes. If im lucky, I can combine the two into a digital weenis voltorn. And I’ll form the purple head.

Thank you and goodnight

-K

Or mostly get blown off of it.

I’ve been dicking around with the Halo 3 beta. Figured might as well, seeing as I own a copy of crackdown. Didn’t buy it for the beta of course, that would make me an asshole. I approached it with just a little bit of fear, seeing as the racist 12 year olds who make up the Halo 2 playerbase pretty much ruin any sort of fun to be had in the multiplayer game. If aliens were to discover us, I believe that 6000 years of human cultural achievements would pale in comparison to whats going on on live in that game, and we’d be obliterated as a threat to the universe. Hell, if my hand was on the cannon I’d probably pull the trigger.

So it was something of a shock when I logged on, played a few games, and no one called me a nigger. Or a fag. Or a fagnigger. Or even niggerfag. Granted, I wasn’t playing on the ranked games but the social ones, so I suppose I avoided all the hardcore pwners; this actually gave me time to dink around with the game rather than spend time on the mute button. Now the fact you can actually mute people just by bringing up the score menu is genius, and every game forever after needs to include this. The starting rifle actually dosn’t suck either, so you can actually kill someone with the weapon to spawn with. Alot of the time I felt comfy enough running about with the assault rifle and it wasn’t a race to the rocket launcher or whatever uberweapon is on the map. To top it off, its actually pretty fun. Not that I expected a suckfest, but I also didn’t expect to enjoy it as much as I have. But hey, I don’t mind being suprised by the nonsuckitude of something.

Sure, graphically it could look a little prettier. Its not as shinyshiny as Gears was, but its not ugly like your prom date either. I hesitate to condemn a game graphically on a two map multiplayer beta, especially as the original halo games looked nicer in the campaign than they did playing against others. Probably to facilitate smoother play or some other technical bullshit reason beyond my understanding.

I’m a gaming weirdo, and am more interested in the single player campaign. I have more fun in cooperative situations in gaming in general, and the original Halo bringing a solid co-op FPS experience back to gaming (Serious Sam was good for that too) was probably the biggest selling point for the game for me. made me forgive them the library level. If the campaign is nice and solid, I’ll be sold.

Plastic Hitler Mexican Gundam Boobs NAMBLA.

Thank you, and now on with our show.

Between dodging acid from an exploded still in chemistry class and not infecting myself with the E. Coli we are currently growing in Microbiology, I’ve actually had some time to sneak in some quality gaming. Since we have committed to doing at least one review here, I figure I might as well get out of it as soon as possible so I can go back to showing people my meatspin on Xbox live. God bless the camera. And honestly, wouldn’t you rather just see someone’s dick than deal with yet another racist twelve year old on Halo? I know our getting to know us bit isn’t up yet, and we were going to post that so you knew a bit about where we were coming from, but doing things you promised is for assholes and people trying to impress Jesus. It’s coming, trust me.

On a lark, I picked up Earth Defense Force 2017. It’s from Japan, and thats enough for some of you Nihon types to run out and pick it up. You’d pick up the Interactive NAMBLA Guide to Playground Anal if it came packaged as a dating sim and would agonize over choosing the Roofie Ice Cream Cone for little Jermey or just Use:Taser on his sweet sweet ass. (Zzzzap!) All SimNAMBLA foolishness aside, its not a bad little game about running around very destructible cityscapes and shooting high powered weapons at giant ants, spiders, robots or flying saucers. It’s broken into bite sized mission chunks, weighs in at a little over 50 somewhat similar missions, and kept me entertained over the eight or so hours it took me to beat it on normal mode. There are a buttload of different weapons to get throughout the game, and new weapons on each of the games six difficulties, so if your the collector type, you can get your OCD itched. It is a stupid simple third person action game, and I’ll be damned if I still don’t love me games like that. I havn’t had the chance to test out the multiplayer because my brother is an asshole and hasn’t been by lately, and the game dosn’t sport any sort of live play, which bites the buttered bismark. Not that I play games with random assholes on live, so it really dosn’t matter. If I had a nickel for every person on my friends list, i’d have seven cents after all. But for a $40 asking price, a straight on blow-everyone-in-sight-to-hell game is right up my alley. I’d say this is definitely a buy.

I also picked up the 360 version of Command and Conquer 3. I have had a vendetta against EA ever since I bought a copy of Battlefield: Vietnam, I think they still owe me $50 for that game. If given the choice between working the glory hole at a New Jersey truckstop or playing some more Battlefield, I’d ask for a bottle of mouthwash. At least with the gloryhole there would be a chance of my earning a little tip money. So it was with a little trepidation that I picked up a $60 EA game. I don’t know about you, oh faithful reader, but I still ice my nuts when I pay the extra $10 on a 360 game. I know, all those in game ads and micropayments dont pay for themselves (?), and without more money,Gabe Newell can’t afford the golden African spatulas he prefers to use when Half Life fanboys slather his inner thighs with mayo. So I guess the joke is on me, once again EA raped me for money. At least with C&C3, I got a reasonably enjoyable game.

Its weird playing an RTS on a console. When I first picked up the controller, its like getting a left handed handjob from your sister. Sure its awkward, but once you get into the flow of things, you adjust to the weird grip, and you get over your initial disgust, you realize things could be way worse. I’ve only played through the campaign so far, because I don’t yet know anyone else with the game and I’m a misanthrope when it comes to playing with strangers over Xbox live. The cutscenes are pure C&C gold, all done up in high definition with whatever actors had nothing in particular to do the day EA was filming. I have no idea what the plot GDI side is, because every time Jennifer Morrison comes on the screen, all i can think about is lobbing a meat missile in the direction of her talkhole. It’s like its 1984 and I’ve got an ICBM aimed right at Mother Russia. Maybe I should take some boner poison before I play…

I’ve enjoyed the C&C games to date, and this one hasn’t dissapointed me in that aspect. If I had a working gaming PC right now, I probably would have opted for that route, but the 360 version is no slouch either. There is part of me that hopes a balance patch will be issued later, because from what I’ve played so far, if you get a handful of railgun enhanced Mammoth Tanks out when playing GDI, it is pretty much genocide. I’m no game balance expert, and if it feels cheap to me it probably is. If you’re into the online multiplayer, or your like me and get lots of enjoyment out of skirmish modes in RTS games, this is a good solid buy. For the rest of you, rent it for a week and storm you way through the single player campaign.

Thats all from this front in the war, it’s that time of the evening when I go make love to the DS until I fall asleep. Lunar Knights has been highly entertaining so far, and should I actually get around to beating it, I’ll probably throw a blurb on here. I know how handy it is for the internet at large to get reviews months after a game is released, after all. But hey, this many NAMBLA references in one review post is worth the wait.

As a result, some of the text formatting and links on the site will either a) not function or b) look fucking ugly for a while. So just grin and bear it until I get this figured out. Thanks.

Our first game reviews are coming very soon now. Keep an eye out! For information on our criteria, click on the “review” link up on the page header.

Have nice mosh-pitting!

I’ve got it homebrewed so I can do emulator stuff and all that, but haven’t tried it a whole hell of a lot yet. But it seems promising and awesome.

My only problem with it so far is all the games I’ve played are very, very console-oriented. Nothing that screams “portable game!” I dig the DS cause it’s full of portable-friendly games which couldn’t work on a home console, but work brilliantly on a portable device. It’s for this reason I’m looking forward to Disgaea portable. Disgaea is one of my favorite franchises _ever_. I just haven’t played the PS2 versions a hell of a lot, cause really, these types of games scream “PORTABLE!” I expect to spend the next several years of my life bombing through Disgaea portable (whenever it comes out) leveling up my characters to whatever obscene levels Disgaea allows you to rock.

The PSP really needs to focus more on the portable games. Who has time on their commutes to have a meaningful game of Metal Gear or Ratchet? Not many. As far as portables go, in my opinion, casual, rewarding, short-spurt games win the intertubes. The PSP needs these. But they have a rockass release schedule for 2007 and it should help matters quite a lot.

Views aside, I’m absolutely loving the new installments of Ratchet (my favorite platformer franchise of all time, Sly Cooper in close second) and Daxter (I enjoyed the first Jak game, wasn’t too hot on the others). Daxter seems, so far, to return to a simpler, more light-hearted take on the franchise. It’s great stuff. LocoRoco is also great, dumb, portable fun.

Sexy device. I don’t know why it gets so much flack. Other than the price point and lameass packins.

And the display quality? Christ. I wanna have its babies.

I love it. Sony did something right since the PS2. It doesn’t make me want to get a PS3. Nothing ever will. It’s a N64-caliber slap in the face to gamers. But hey. More faith in Sony from a newly-initiated Sony hater is a step in the right direction. My love is likely pushed along heavily by the fact that the PSP was totally free to me. But hey. If I actually bought it, I wouldn’t be too pissed.

I’ve been hitting my DS hard lately. Truly an amazing little system. If I don’t want to get too involved in a lofty game and just want to have fun, I automatically whip the DS Phat out. Restarted my Elite Beat Agents game cause the third difficulty was, as previously mentioned, giving me AIDS. I figure if I play through again I won’t have as much trouble this time around. Osu! Tatake! Ouendan! is awesome. Better music than EBA, though I can’t understand a word of it. Kerry didn’t tell me Rocket Slime was a collection game and I hate him for it; I’m a collection game whore. Meteos is my favorite puzzle game of all time. Just too much good stuff, and I often see my DS screen going black on me cause I’ve run the batteries down during one play session. With my severe game ADD, that’s saying something.

Rainbow Six Vegas’ tutorial mission is so long and boring it makes me feel feelings. Seriously been working on it for three days, one checkpoint at a time. Horrible game design. But I did play the demo on Live and liked what I saw, so I suppose once the actual game starts, I’ll quite enjoy it.

Picked up Dead Rising again. It was my first 360 game but I hardly played it. So effing fun once you’re leveled up enough to actually be able to get past the infamous Capcom difficulty. The convicts, though? They’re pissing me off.

No interesting news in weeks, so I have nothing to rant about or love upon. The DS is taking over the world, I still don’t get the popularity of the Wii, the 360 is still kicking ass (Bioshock boner), mention of the PS3 and its supposed superior power still makes me giggle then vomit a little in my mouth, the PSP is looking more and more attractive (Disgaea portable!), the awesomeness of the PS2 will never die, the idea of PC gaming these days is repellent, and nothing exciting has been announced that hasn’t been known since last E3 or GDC. So nothing has changed.

Seacrest, out.

I actually don’t hate the OS. I’ve had relatively few problems with it. I decided to give the girl’s laptop an enema since I have no idea when the last time Windows had been reinstalled (I hadn’t done it myself since she got it two years ago) and it was starting to experience the Windows entropy that happens without a periodic OS colonic. So here goes me, reinstalling XP and when I try to activate via the web, MS pisses all over my serial number. Normally, this wouldn’t piss me off but this machine actually has a valid XP key slapped on it. Gen-u-wine sticker stuck to the machine and everything. So I figure, fuck it, I’ll make with the crack. Thirty days later, I find the crack didn’t work quite like it should have (endless loop of telling me to verify then telling me I had verified), so I dig up a trusty copy of Pro, slap it on, strip out WGA and I’m done.

The moral of this story is MS had a customer with a perfectly legal copy of XP who had to go about pirating a different copy because their copy protection only affects legitimate users. Way to go assholes.

I guess the side-benefit is the machine now has “Ubuntu”:http://www.ubuntu.com installed on it as well, and I’m loving it. You guys get games working under that strange OS and I can kick MS and their goofy anti(?)piracy measures to the curb. Plus if my XP install ever melts down, I can hop on the other boot-up and still use the internet.

Now to mail them a sack of poo over the Guitar Hero 2 downloadables…

While I’ve recieved numerous letters from the “pegging community”:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pegging_%28sexual_practice%29 that tell me this isn’t so bad, the smell of Vasoline takes me back to the high school gym locker room.

Please, bring me games. I can’t go back there.

Kthanx