Yup. We’re gonna start doing game reviews. Likely nothing brand spankin’ new, and definitely nothing unreleased. Unless folks start to care about us two hacks. Then we’ll demand advance copies of every game ever and burn bridges like crazy by giving unsatisfactory, exclusive first reviews just cause we’re total dicks. However unlikely it may be, it’d hella make us giggle like the girls we feel we are inside.

Just quality reviews of whatever we happen to be playing with lots of words momma smacks you for; by a couple of jagoffs that get off on voicing their opinions for fun, hope for hatemail, and absolutely no profit.

Every “biggie” game review site (you know which ones i’m talking about) and most print publications (a few gems excluded) treat games as objects as they go through their review process. Well. They’re not. Games are personal experiences, and they should be rated as such. One man’s garbage, blah blah, the rest of that old adage.

It’s extremely rare to see a totally subjective game review. When you do, it blows your fucking mind. “What is this asshole thinking, giving me actual, straight-from-the-gut opinions? He can’t do that shit. Everyone else gave it a 9! A 4?! Because he doesn’t like ‘this type of game?’ What the fuck! Wahhh, it’s art, phag!” *commence nerdly rash of comments with a fallacy for every no-no and/or misspelled word* A specific review on a certain gaming blog I frequent comes to mind. I didn’t ever play said game. Don’t plan to. But the comments the post got? Comedy gold.

What is that asshole doing, being subjective in his game reviews? He’s doing a game review right. As they should be done. Let the dude say his piece. You might learn, I dunno, stuff. Stuff like static review criteria is retarded. Stuff like some people couldn’t care less about the latest hype-train. Maybe even stuff like lots of games are smoke and mirrors and not much else. Some folks can see through the revolutionary parallax TurboJesus mapping and the screw-you-up-for-life-freakin’-sweet ‘RoidShader 4.0 and spot the shoddy gameplay and nonexistent storyline. Let them tell you about it. Listen. Ahh, sweet enlightenment. Feels good, like the first time a girl accidentally brushed you with her sweet rack.

Subjective reviews come with a catch though. They mean nothing if you don’t know anything about the reviewer’s likes, dislikes, hopes, dreams, perversions, and penchants for jerkassery like ghost ridin’ the whip and public meatspinning in the gay bar they haven’t yet figured out is the gay bar.

So. Our remedy? An about page with info on all that nonsense. We both have introduction posts explaining our gaming history and how kickass vicodin naps are. We’ll include everything we can, sos you know who we are and where we stand as far as gaming goes. It’ll do in a pinch. Jay hates Oblivion so bad he’s actually punched people for saying they like it, and has stopped four people from buying it at various retail outlets by explaining intelligently and in detail why it’s a $60 kick in the nuts, with a little taste of intelligence rape thrown in as unlockable lewtz 500 hours in. Neither Kerry or Jay are fans of Half-Life 2 cause all it is is an engine wank-off without an actual worthwhile game behind it. Cool engine though. We both agree System Shock 2 is one of the best games ever created, and nothing will ever surpass its unmitigated squirt-inducing brilliance. We’re both Sega guys to the bone. Who cares if they make shitty games now, it’s mothereffin’ Sega! Representin’ ’til the day we die. We have Sega tats. Mine says “Se,” his says “ga.” When we put them together to spell Sega, that magical Sega jingle that tickled your awesomebone the first time you switched on Sonic on the Genesis plays. Out of thin air. It’s weird.

Neither of us could be called fans of our fellow man, but we loves our fellow gamers somethin’ fierce. Unless said gamer just plays World of Warcraft and thinks it makes him one of us (one of us, one of us!). That guy’s a jerk. We don’t love him. All eight million of him. Or the guy who popularized “fagnigger” as acceptable banter in online games. Don’t know him, kinda hate him. You may not agree with what we say. But it might make you think. Or rage out. Maybe replay a long-forgotten gem you would’ve never thought of otherwise. If what we type evokes anything, win. It makes us feel fuzzy inside to think we may be able to turn someone on to a rare game nobody bought, pick up Shining in the Darkness again, or read something that makes you hate us so bad that you swear off the site forevers and come back tomorrow. We have that power. When we get together, it’s like motherfuckin’ Voltron. True story. All we’re trying to say is we’re just like anyone reading this site, and we won’t do ya wrong, baby. Until we do. Also Voltron.

Basically, pick your poison. Only two choices. The pretty one or the prettier one. If you don’t happen to care for either poison, we’re still pretty.

That’s a taste. Check out the about page for something a little bit more useful. Which as of the time of this writing, isn’t done yet. Teehee. When the first reviews go up. No worries.

Keep checking back. We’re ready and itching to make you think differently about what you’re playing. Figuring that trick out still, but we’ll get it. That 6 game you’ve been playing? Better than any 9 I’ve ever touched.

No silly number scores. The system is horribly flawed. Though ours likely is as well. We just hate the rating system because being contrary is the new hedonism.

Here’s our rating breakdown:

*Lick It* - Own this game at all costs. Sell your better half, whore out your kitten MC Flufflebutt, gank some punk’s milk money. Buy it. Love it. Play it. Beat it. Play it again. Don’t you dare sell it back, either. Grow old with it. We’re watching. We’ll fuck you up. Examples: System Shock 2, Super Mario World, Star Control 2

*Buy It* - Just what it says, but with a catch. It’s definitely worth owning, but probably not for the retail price. We’ll tell you what we think it’s worth. Sell it back if you like, we won’t care. We probably will too. Examples: Crackdown, Loco Roco, Silent Hill 3

*Rent It* - Yeah, do that. Or borrow a friend’s copy if it’s a PC game. You may like it. We sorta do. Examples: Cooking Mama DS, Maximo, Marvel Ultimate Alliance

*Bugger It* - A few guys may like it. But just a few. We certainly don’t. We’ll try to tell you who. If you’re one of these guys, great, get it. If you’re not, skip it. Pretty worthless, but not a lost cause. Examples: Tomb Raider, the GTA3 series, Quake 4

*Burn It* - Even if you pirated this game, you’d feel ripped off. Examples: any Madden game, Final Fantasy VIII, Novadrome